Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
You Might Also Like
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Duck typos.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Hey Fugeddaboutit
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.