Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.