I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.