we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.