Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
scares
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
incredible
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.