I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
FRED: right
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations