Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.