A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”