Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
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Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Not messing around
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you