I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven