Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos