If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.