My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
who wants to go expliring
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Who called it baking and not making love
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Found the job I’m suited for
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.