Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.