Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You Might Also Like
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Isn’t
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit