It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)