Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
This hospital has everything
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I don’t get marriage
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.