Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]