Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
You Might Also Like
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch