I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Happy weekend !