Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.