Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
There’s always that one guy
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Quadruple digit IQ
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.