My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Had to try this trend 😊
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol