shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Name another movie that mislead you?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”