Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.