*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “