I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]