I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
You Might Also Like
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear