Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run