I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
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probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.