Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
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son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?