With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying