Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m giving up for Lent.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.