Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.