The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
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1. Divorce lawyers
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes