I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I just ran a .003048K
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.