You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?