body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
there’s probably a fee though
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil