My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
*3.5 thank you very much.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two