You Might Also Like
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
This tweet has been deleted
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
lmao
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra