Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.