Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment