Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”