So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.