Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.