What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice