My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Love it! 👍😂
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this