The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
This probably isn’t good
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me when I see my crush
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face