Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
What an awful time to have common sense.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.