“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time